Spiraling Downward

I took a break from writing after my brother’ death to focus on my family and getting through the grief.  A month later our family was struck by another tragedy as my 2nd cousin took her life leaving behind kids and grand-kids.  I felt the familiar downward spiral begin as I began going through the what ifs.  What if our family is cursed?  What if I could be next?  What if we aren’t doing enough to prevent these things?  I could go on, but that would be an intensely boring post.

As if I wasn’t dealing with enough, I decided to weigh myself only to realize I had gained back 14 lbs of the baby weight I worked so hard to lose.  Let me make it clear that when things are crazy the only person in this house that gets neglected is me.  I make everyone else’s meals and doctor appointments.  I even stress about the dogs having enough food and whether they need to see the vet.  I neglect myself and the spiral deepens.  I gain weight. I eat late at night. I skip my doctor and therapy appointments because I really don’t need the lecture right now when I feel like I am doing all I can.  I stop showering. I start sleeping later and later. I withdraw from the outside world.

I avoided the 2nd holiday, but first family holiday since my brother’s passing. I just couldn’t bring myself to face the stress and the stark reminder of his passing.  While in the moment this felt great, the guilt wasn’t far behind.  It seems to linger just in the back these days and I can feel guilty for something as simple as an extra 5 minutes in the shower.   My husband notices something is wrong, my best friend notices something is off, and my kids are definitely feeling the change.  I ignore it.  I play it off and before I know it I haven’t showered in 2 weeks, I don’t want to get out of bed, and here I am lost in the darkness once again.  Once again, I am taking baby steps.  Learning to forgive myself for the mistakes.  Learning that I can’t take care of everyone else if I keep putting myself last.  Learning that sometimes what is good for you isn’t always going to make everyone else happy. Starting over yet again.

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